


Devan

by ahappyphil



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Coming Out, M/M, The Sims
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:46:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21876124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahappyphil/pseuds/ahappyphil
Summary: Prompt: “write about a classic Dan and Phil games moment! Specially one that hits different now and what may have happened behind the scenes”Dab is gay and Dan is trying to live his truth
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 48
Kudos: 164
Collections: Phandom Fic Fests Holiday Exchange 2019





	Devan

**Author's Note:**

  * For [plinth_of_life](https://archiveofourown.org/users/plinth_of_life/gifts).



**Feb 6th, 2018- “TEENAGE ANGST TIME”**

They’re in the living room casually browsing the comments of the most recent Sims episode. They’ve aged up Dab, and made him a teenager. Mainly to continue the storyline, but also to open the avenue for a new plotline. There’s only so much they can do with Dil.

What they hadn’t planned on was the reaction to Dab and Evan. Of course their audience latched on to the tiniest bit of spark between them. Maybe Dan sees it too, maybe the thought of pursuing what these comments are suggesting sends a shiver down his spine. Maybe he knows why. 

He didn’t come out to his family at Christmas. Again. 

He meant to, he really did. It just never felt like the right time. Even when his nana had given him the perfect segway after he’d arrived from spending the past week with Phil and his family on the Isle. Even when his mother made a well meaning joke about him being so close to his ‘best mate’. It would have been so easy. So easy to correct her and tell them who Phil actually was. Who he actually was…

But he didn’t. 

He chickened out again, just like he always does. It’s not easy. It’s not like all those people in the comments think it is. It’s not like they know how fucking hard this is. They just want a cute gay storyline to fill whatever fantasy they think he’s owes them. 

Maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if he did. It seems this computer generated teen boy already has an inkling as to who he is. Whatever the binary code is for homosexuality in video games, it would seem Dab’s got it. 

*

“People are shipping Dab and Evan.” He’s trying to be nonchalant as he plops down on the couch next to Phil.

“What? Already?” There’s less surprise in Phil’s tone than he’d anticipated. 

“Should we do it? I mean, should we lean into it?”

Phil seems to think about it for a second. Dan can see the cogs turning in his brain, silently weighing out the pros and cons. If he wasn’t on board, Dan would shut it down without a second thought. 

He has been comfortable with his sexuality much longer than Dan, but he can still get a bit weary when it comes to their audience and how much he wants to let them in. Dan would never push it, never make him show more than he’s willing. 

He knows Phil is always going to have some scars leftover from when the world saw him at his most vulnerable. He’s allowed to be a little closed off. 

Which is why Dan is almost surprised when Phil turns to him with an upbeat confidence and says “Let’s do it!”

  
**Feb 24th, 2018- “DAB AND EVAN EMBRACE”**

They’re sitting down to film the next episode with a loose structure for what they want to accomplish. Dan can’t stop thinking about one in particular.

It’s not like it says anything about _him_. It’s not like having a gay character inherently means anything. It’s still a little scary, like half a step too vulnerable. 

“Are we really going to push the Dab and Evan thing?” Dan knows the answer already. He knows that’s what they both agreed on. He’s presenting it like he’s giving Phil an option to back out, but he knows that fear is still bubbling under his own skin. 

“Yeah, it’ll be good! It’s cute.” Phil gives him a kiss on the cheek and sets down to record.

Dab offers Evan a rose. It goes well, better than the first hand kiss. It lets Dan ease up a bit. They hug on screen and he swears he can feel the butterflies himself. It reminds him of that all too familiar rush of brave first moves and the hope that this thing isn’t one sided.

Maybe he’s putting too much depth into a video game character, but he can see the subtle glances Phil gives him when he thinks he’s not looking. He can see the smile spreading across his own face.

This video will be a bitch to edit. He can already see the ‘Love Eyes Lester’ edits that are bound to crop up, not that he secretly searches for them on the odd sleepless night...

Dan gets a jumpstart on editing the video while Phil volunteers to run some errands. They’re both in a good mood, and he’s be lying if he said he didn’t know why. 

He’s still editing when Phil comes home an hour later with takeaway dinner and a single red rose he produces from behind his back. 

  
**April 13th- “DAB AND EVAN’S FIRST KISS”**

Watching Dab and Evan explore the jungle, he can’t help but think about Jamaica. Even the audience has picked up on it. He makes a joke about unrealistic expectations for teen dating knowing full well they’ll call him out on it.

It’s one of those small things he can say without _saying_. They know about sky bars and tropical paradises, and he can allude to those memories without directly acknowledging what they mean. 

The first kiss option was unexpected. Obviously that was the goal at some point, but it still left him feeling a bit shocked. 

It happened. It was cute. Dan can’t even fully explain all the emotions flooding his system right now. Happy for them, happy that they decided to do this, nostalgia for that time in his own life. And maybe, just maybe a bit of queer solidarity. 

He’s giddy at the reactions on the screen. “Evan, what was that?!?” 

They finish up the episode and he still can’t wipe the smile off of his face. Phil seems to notice. Of course he does. He’s long since come to terms with their mind meld.

“Whatcha thinking over there, Danny boy.” He nudges his shoulder, and Dan can’t help but fondly roll his eyes.

“I dunno, I’m just happy. They’re cute.” Maybe he should be embarrassed about how invested in a non existent relationship he is. “I’m glad he had a good first kiss.”

Phil looks at him with a lopsided smile. The one that usually means he’s reliving a memory. “Not as good as ours.” 

“Shut up, you idiot.” He doesn’t want his next thought to spoil the mood. He doesn’t even mean to say it out loud. 

“I still can’t believe my virtual grandson came out before I did.” He tries to play it off as a joke, but he knows Phil will see right through it.

“Dan, you know there’s no rush. I don't want you to feel pressure. We don’t have to do this, you know...if it’s too much.”

He can tell Phil is feeding off his own nervous energy. 

“We can tell them the game crashed and we lost all the data or I can say I don’t want to play it-“

Sometimes he still wonders what he did to deserve this man. This incredible, wonderful man who would do anything for his happiness. 

“No! I want Dab to be gay. It’s important. If I can’t give them the representation myself right now, at least this is kind of something right?” 

Phil opens his mouth like he’s going to argue, but stands down and lowers his shoulders. “Okay” he kisses Dan’s temple. “We’ll post it.”

**June 3rd-“DREAM TEEN BEDROOM MAKEOVER”**

Dab’s and Evan’s relationship has become the forefront of the series. The people are eating it up. Of course they are. Hell, Dan is eating it up. 

The first leg of the tour has made him realize that he might have misunderstood the reasoning behind that. He’s always a little shocked when he’s reminded of the diversity within his audience. They’re far more empathetic than he sometimes lets himself believe when he’s having a particularly dark day. Behind those words on a screen are real people who seem to genuinely want the best for him. 

Maybe he’d misjudged their motivation. He’s starting to realize that perhaps his perception of who his audience is, and what they want, is dated and skewed with some of his own internal issues. Maybe he’s not ready to admit that spring hit harder than he wants to let on. 

March was hard. March was breakdowns and stress and damage control. It’s a bit jarring to see the people you had unintentionally vilified in your head being so kind. Maybe there’s still some residual anger there. Maybe sometimes he can’t help but think back to darker days and the things he read when they thought no one was looking. 

But they were lovely. They were supportive. 

He’s not completely sure what ‘mess around’ is, but he’s got an idea. Once again, Dan can’t help but be thrown back into a different time where a similar situation played out much like the one happening on the screen. 

Then Tabitha walks in. Now it’s _really_ like the old days. He hopes no one notices the look of fear mixed with repressed trauma on his face. Phil really should have moved out sooner…

They end up not getting to that bit. It’s a good thing, he thinks. It’s nice to ease into it. To prepare for what comes next and all the things that entails and what people are going to say. 

It’s getting easier. Maybe he can work on that video this month after all. 

**June 30th- “DAB AND EVAN ‘MESS AROUND’”**

“Ask to be boyfriend? I thought they were already a boyfriend!” 

“I guess this is official”

“They exchanged promise rings! They’re going full Jonas!”

Dan shuts off the filming light and watches Phil takes the SD card out of the camera. It’s one of those moments where the familiar domesticality makes his heart flip a bit. 

They usually do this little routine in silence, letting themselves come down from being ‘on’ and performing for the cameras, but as with most of the Sims episodes they’ve filmed this year, this one has left them a little giddy and overly talkative.

“You know” Dan is the first one to break, “you never officially asked me to be your boyfriend.” 

Phil’s back is turned at the moment, but he can almost picture the eye roll and sideways smirk that is most definitely plastered on his face right now. He swivels his office chair around to respond and yep, there it is. A look that’s equal parts ‘you’re an idiot’ and ‘I love you’.

“Well you never asked me either. I thought we were above labels!” He’s doing air quotes and putting on his best posh southern accent. “We don’t neeeed them, Phil.” 

Damn him and his elephant’s memory. Maybe eighteen year old him wanted to pretend like labels didn’t matter to him, but he’d be lying to himself if he didn’t recall all those late nights where the word would accidentally slip out of a sleepy Phil’s mouth and the effect it had on him. 

“Phil…Philip. Love of my life...” He kneels down in front of his chair and grabs Phil’s hands as he bows his head then looks up as theatrically as possible, “Will you be my boyfriend? My bf. My main squeeze. My man candy. My-”

“Oh my God, stop!” Phil is laughing uncontrollably and has covered his face with his hands. “No, literally no!”

“A bit too late for that, babe. I already locked you down.” Dan wiggles his eyebrows, “You can’t resist this thicc booty!” He smacks his own ass for emphasis.

“Actually shut up. I hate you.”

*

Australia is beautiful as always. Their secret jungle hideaway is exactly what was needed after the chaos that was the US. 

Phil’s shoulders have started to drop and he looks absolutely delicious as he lounges in the sun like a cat. They’re spending this time to recharge and prepare for the final leg, while making up for all those early mornings and late nights. He wasn’t lying when he told the internet he was getting that D vitamin.

As with the apparent theme of this year, it’s a baby step towards authenticity. One tiny brick knocked down. 

This mini holiday has given him time to reflect as well, really process what they’ve been doing this summer. 

America was a lot, but they knew that going in. He’d expected the enthusiastic crowds and larger than life personalities. What he hadn’t anticipated what seeing how different the audience was to the image he had in his head. Just like with the rest of the stops, their older and smarter and funnier and far more diverse than he gave them credit for. 

And they’re...well a lot of them...like a shit ton of them. They’re...

They’re gay.

Just like him. 

Except they don’t know he is, not really. He failed again. He couldn’t do it before they left for the tour. He couldn’t look his mother in the eye and open himself up like that. Especially after the logistical hell that planning the tour had been. Phil was there right beside him, picking him up off the ground. Telling him there’s no deadline, telling him it’ll work out better this way. 

Nothing had prepared him for the amount of pride flags and banners brought to the meet and greets for him to sign. They wanted his name on something that represented acceptance and love for who they were, because he made them feel safe and loved and seen. Even if he can’t give that to himself just yet, he’s doing _something_. 

Some of them even talked about the Sims, about how their hearts burst at the sight of a nonexistent teenager finding love and not being afraid. It gave them hope. It wasn’t some sexual fantasy or a substitute for the fetishaztion of his own relationship, it was representation. 

It gives him a twinge of pride knowing that even if he wasn’t out, he was making a small difference in queer lives. It gives him hope for when he does finally make that decision to let himself be fully known, they’ll be supportive in a way he could have only wished for. He wants to make them proud.

He’s got another chance at Christmas to tell his family. The past few months, tiring as they might have been, have given him the motivation and the drive to do it, to live his truth. 

**December 20th- “BOYS IN THE BIG CITY”**

“We don’t want to be those people, but for us personally we very much found that you need to move into a big city of some kind and just jump in with both feet.” 

The audience is definitely going to pick up on his mood. There’s no way they won’t see the way he and Phil are both just a touch giddy and drunk on nostalgia.

It warms his heart to relive this bit. That big scary leap of starting a life together, the highs of ultimate freedom and lows of learning trial by error. He may have missed out on his own young queer story. He may not have had the easy discover like Dab, but this. This he knows well.

“Dan and Phil in Manchester are quaking!” 

He misses that apartment. It was tiny and cramped and slightly more than they could technically afford, but that little flat is where he really came into his own. It’s where he felt that last sliver of doubt that this thing between them had an expiration date dissipate. It’s where they sat huddled together on that black couch evaluating opportunities and possible career moves, going over contracts that went over their head. It’s where after staying up until the wee hours of the morning and lots of tears, he sent in his withdrawal from the law program. 

That flat was the embodiment of the many risks that got them to where they are right now. 

Dan still has his head in the clouds that night as he sits on the kitchen countertop, reminiscing about years past while Phil makes dinner. 

“Do you remember our first night in the Manchester flat?” He sneaks a taste of the pasta sauce with his finger.

Phil swats at his hand, but still gives him a smile. He’s probably been reliving some memories of his own. “Yeah, we didn’t have any napkins or plates and we ate pizza off a cutting board.” 

Kath had come over the next day and taken them shopping for all the basic household necessities you never realize you need until it’s too late. 

She was supportive, but they knew there was still some apprehension about them possibly moving too fast. About Dan still technically being a teenager and how living together changes things. They didn’t feel the need to correct her by admitting Dan had practically moved in full time midway through the semester last year. 

“We certainly didn’t have those views, or that bath! Dab and Evan really are living the life. It’s unfair really.” 

“Yeah, but is it worth it to have to shower every 10 minutes and have a wee meter? Besides, we got the fancy tub eventually.” 

As with most things that stick in Dan’s mind for extended periods, the conversation picks up after a few hours as if no time has passed. They’re laying in bed when he turns to Phil and asks if they were too obvious today. Was it too much to talk about their own past?

“I mean that’s the point isn’t it? Ease them into it so it won’t be a shock.” He’s surprised by Phil’s answer considering he’s already half asleep. To be fair, they’ve had this conversation more times that he could count and Phil could probably recite it semiconscious by now. 

He just needs that reassurance sometimes. That it’s okay. That sharing this part of him isn’t scary. Baby steps. 

**December 24th- “DIL’S FAMILY WINTERFEST”**

“So, that’s it then. They’re engaged.” Once again, Dan is still a little taken aback by how invested he is in the story. 

“Yup.” Phil lifts up Dan’s left hand. It’s bare. 

Long talks and countless conversations over the years mean that Dan knows it won’t be forever, that despite their agreement that big splashy declarations of love and unethically mined diamonds do not constitute a commitment, it’s something they want. Eventually. 

But first, there’s another big long talk he has to get through first.

He’s going to do it. He’s got a plan and a vague idea of what he wants to say to his mum. Nana will be harder. It’s just a matter of going through with it. 

Phil keeps reminding him it’s okay if now isn’t the time. It’s okay if he comes back next week with his secret still locked tight. “You can be sad about it for 24 hours, then you move on and try again next time. Your mum’s birthday is in two months and you can see if it feels right then.” 

If there’s anything he’s learned in the past year, it’s to trust his gut. Phil is right. When the time is right. When he’s ready. 

He looks over the edited footage one more time before publishing. His virtual grandson has a fiance. He created and encouraged a publicaly gay character and the world didn’t end. If he believed in that kind of bullshit, he’d probably take it as a sign from the universe.

This year was about giving the people what they want. Apparently, they really wanted representation and some queer solidarity. He wanted some too. He wants to let them know they’re not alone and it gets so much better. Better than he feels like he deserves sometimes. 

Dan wants to be that representation and that support. He wants to do more and be more next year. 

But that’s going to take some time. Time and reflection. He’s learned from his experience this year that it’s best to do those things in private.

He wants to grow, and he wants to do it without being scared or getting defensive. He doesn’t want to lash out when he fails. Phil says it’s not really failing, it’s just learning as he goes. Either way, it needs to be without eyes on him. 

“Hey Phil.” 

“Yeah”

“How would you feel about taking a break from the channel for a bit?”

**Author's Note:**

> Reblog [here](https://ahappydnp.tumblr.com/post/189981650741/devan-t-33k-prompt-write-about-a-classic-dan) :)


End file.
